Life is a funny thing

As I finally get a handle on how I'm going to squeeze the solution to the world's problems into 2500 words I have the urge to blog. Maybe my writing fingers are feeling warmed up and want to run free for a moment before returning to the regimented academic world of referencing. I see some journalists (in the true sense of the word - those who write for Journals) are able to include anger, wit, passion and philosophical reflection into their academic writings - which gives me hope that the world of academia is not a soulless information hungry battle between opposing ideologies.

Christian (my elder brother) has just departed for a new career and new-ish life down in Canberra. I wasn't sure what advice to give, I spent all my time at work, in the gym or in the pub - much like London. And therefore wasn't able to offer much other than to suggest a few of the coping mechanisms I used - sport mainly. But I'm certain that added to the fact he will enjoy his job, he will have more internal resources than I did at age 22 when I started my life as a public servant. And as such should derive more pleasure from the environment that Canberra has to offer.

Committing to something changes ones perspective on so many things. The most pertinent 'thing' being you realise what you have just before you lose it. Committing to a travel plan, a career path, a partner, anything. I remember how I felt when I got on that early morning bus from Prague to Istanbul after saying goodbye to Heather for what we expected would be 3 months until we met again in India. As night fell on that first night I still had my teeth clenched and tears dripping down my cheeks as I swore at myself for being such a fool to chase fanciful dreams across Persia at the expense of being away from Heather. It was really only two weeks later when I about to buy my train to ticket to Tehran that I was once again fully committed to what I wanted to do - which was when it was suddenly snatched away by consular officials. 'Tehran says no'.

A similar feeling is in my bones now, as I am taken on as a volunteer on the current Global Burden of Disease study, and my Head of School sets up an internship for me with the WHO in Geneva, I can feel myself being sucked (or am I walking into it - semi-consciously which makes me feel like I am being pulled) into a career, and a life that I don't know enough about to make a judgement about whether I want it or not. An edge panic, performance anxiety, homesickness, boredom, insomnia, - pressure - rattles in my bones. Why didn't I just become a carpenter? Simple pleasure of building something. But my brain needs work, but not too much, but how much, but, but, but.....

Know where the exits are and keep them clear has always been an automatic mindset for me, although to this date I've never abandoned a ship (not counting finally escaping Dept of Finance). But with my twenties slowly edging away from me I feel the need to find what I'm looking for before I commit to something that leaves me angry, unfulfilled, frustrated and unable to support the family that I plan will win Cricket World Cup 2030....maybe.

But in the short term, I would just like my sense of humour back - too much work and no play has made Nicky a dull boy. I can't help using big words when I talk and am becoming a menace on the roads - I drive like I own Brisbane and am above the law. I wonder if perhaps I've accrued too many brain cells and need to dispense of some before I go totally bananas.

10pm Saturday night - enough time for a little more essay writing before bed, then up at 7am to collect Heather from night shift, go to the gym and....spend the rest of the day studying. I'm loving the learning, but hating the lack of time I have for the rest of my life.

If I gave one piece of advice to someone, it would be this.....turn your lights off and have shorter showers.