Photos

No I haven't put any up. Not for ages. I was just looking at some.

Do you ever look at yourself in a photo and think "gee I was different back then", sometimes you know what has changed, sometimes it is just a funny feeling, looking at yourself and not knowing what was going through that person's mind at that time.

I always thought that as time goes on a person (particularly a young one) will inevitably become a better more rounded person. More confident, more intelligent, aware and knowledgeable. But not always. There is the obvious case of the person getting hooked on damaging behaviour (drug abuse etc), that goes without saying. But what about as you get older and you become more certain about what you believe, what you like, what you consider right and wrong, and I guess in the end, the awful realisation that you have ideas and concerns about how other people should live. Self-righteousness. There is clearly an element, and probably needs to be an element, of self-righteousness in everyone. Parents and Governments for example, it is their job to make value judgements and impose those judgements on their underlings.

I've always had some difficulty in expressing concern, offense, insecurity, stress and other such negative feelings, in a form other than anger. The more bitterness and hate with which the anger can be spat out the better. Condescending, belittling, and furiously forked tongue lashing out.

Fortunately I don't have those negative feelings too often. But a side-effect of education and some experience has brought to life feelings of self-righteousness - people spending too much, using too much electricity, ignorant of the how the media manipulates them, unaware of their own greed - thinking that buying presents for people makes them thoughtful and caring. Already I can feel the poison rising to the back of my throat, into my fangs, one eye on the victims jugular.

But the poison remains within me, the only fruit of the anger is frustration and a further withdrawal from the society that doesn't feel the way I do. I don't want to be angry anymore. I want to be that laughing semi-inebriated boy standing on a table that I see in photos.