Lloyds TSB are the worst bank on the planet

Not once in my life have I ever been bothered by unhelpful, incompetent, bureaucratic, inefficient companies (Telstra almost got me). But my experience with Lloyds bank is the most Monty Python-esque display of genuine disinterest in customer satisfaction that I have ever had the misfortune to tangle with.

All I want to do is transfer some money from my account to another English bank account. NOT HARD. Just like a Commonwealth Bank to ANZ transfer for example, not a large amount of money. I couldn't do it on the internet because their 'netbanking' is set up for looking at your balance and giving your account a 'nickname'. Why on earth ANYONE might want to give their BANK ACCOUNT a NICKNAME is one of the great mysteries of life that I'll never understand.

A NICKNAME???!!!!

Then I couldn't do it over the phone because the one of the four security/membership/username/password numbers that I was issued with didn't match what they had on their screen - even though they had sent me the numbers themselves.

So I went into a branch - surely at a branch you can do anything - there is a person sitting there with all powerful access to my account and can transfer money to another account.

BUT NO!!!

That would cost me £20 to get the branch to do a transfer for me, or £10 to write a bank cheque. But I don't want a bloody bank cheque, I may as well withdraw the money myself and give it to the person - but I don't even know the person it's for (friend of a friend) and they live in Manchester or something and they wanted the cash at the start of the week.

At every step of the way I was greeted with sighs, one-word answers, silence, other phone nubmers to call and people to talk to, blank stares and complete stupidity (to summarise). The final outcome was a few forms stuffed into an envelope to be sent to the Bury St Edmunds branch so they can close my account and open a new one that will have the transfer facility - but she's not sure if I'll be able to open this new account because 'sometimes they don't like to'

"SOMETIMES THEY DON'T LIKE TO"???????

What in God's name is that supposed to mean? Is there an overweight balding man sitting in a leather chair in a Lloyds office with these requests coming throught to him, to which he grants or refuses depending on whether he got a seat on the tube in the morning?? Is that what she thinks is happening?? I don't know, maybe she thinks it gets put into a bottle and thrown into the Thames and an army of Thames-Otters makes the decision. The proximity of her left eye to her right eye leads to me conclude that yes, I think she does.

If I could just describe England in a few words, they would be 'Sometimes they don't like to'

Anyway - If there is one scenario in my life where I would agree with deregulation and competition - its the banking industry, a bit of competition might make them a little more effective in delivering a banking service. Count yourselves lucky Australians, banks at home are silver service butlers compared to the sickly-pale screwed up sour-faced whining morons that staff the desks and phones in the UK service industry.

So to anyone coming to the UK - avoid Lloyds like the plague, may all their branches burn to the ground.